i hate that when i cry it’s so obvious, in the moment my face is immediately red & blotchy — but it’s 7 hours sleep later when i’m on the train to work this morning with puffy eyelids that, i had to wipe the mascara off because they were more coated than my lashes that gets to me most
& it’s the confusion as to why i felt this deep anxious dread throughout my whole day off the day before, i’m 4 weeks into my new job — same role, assistant manager but with a different retailer because i was unhappy in my previous workplace, looking for something completely new when they approached me & it simply offered a better package for the time being
now, loved ones around me might assume i’m just nervous about the job because it’s new however i feel certain that i’ll do a good job, i’m not worried about making a good impression & it’s benefitted me in a way starting afresh with something i’m already familiar with
but after being super emotional last night & talking it through with my fiancé, we’ve realised it’s actually the tonne of pressure i’ve put on myself job wise since discussing trying for a baby next summer — i felt this immediate need for something with hours which will allow me to be off on weekends & bank holidays, possibly flexible working if needs be, something that excites me, somewhere i’ll be happy to stay whilst raising a family & then ensuring i’ve worked there long enough in the first place to qualify for maternity pay
i find it surprising that this topic isn’t discussed often, i know money is a huge topic around feeling ‘ready’ to have a baby, but what about feeling secure & content in the job you’re in before altering your life so drastically? i feel more lost when it comes to work at 27 than i did at 21 & i’m sure i’m not the only one, hence why i’m sharing with you today
& to be honest, i think i just needed to get this off my chest — to express my worries in order to let them go because i don’t want to put my life on hold due to an idealistic job which may not exist but i do want to overcome the pressures of having all my ducks in a perfect row
does anybody ever fully know what they want to do for work? the more i discuss with friends the more i realise that they don’t & how powerful our perspective is — i think there will always be aspects of a job we would change with or without the idea of raising a family & i really need to learn how to give myself grace when it comes to future life planning
plenty people go throughout many jobs before finding the one, or maybe they don’t & they continue to change jobs & that’s just the true human experience — that nothing is permanent